Go Suck an Egg

Beep. Beep. Boop.

I swipe my debit card in the machine. I use my sharp bear nails to punch in my pin number. The checkout clerk takes an interest in my bag of pre-boiled, pre-peeled eggs.

Okay, okay. You can legitimately judge me on this purchase. I am actually paying a premium because I can’t get my life together enough to boil eggs. Frankly, I judge myself for that.

I’m answering a series of increasingly annoying questions from the machine. (Is 12 dollars all right with you? Not really, but what are you going to do about the price of hummus, amiright? Are you sure you want to put all 12 dollars on your card? Where else would they go? Are you sure? Buzz off, Machine. No really, are you fucking sure?) The clerk is still reading the back of my egg package like it’s the last Twilight book. What is your deal, man?

“The thing about eggs…” (aha! Now we’re getting to it!) “…is they have so much cholesterol. Look at this! Over 200 mg in ONE egg!”

Bitch, please.

He looks me up and down, getting all the information he needs from my appearance. How DARE you, sir? You take one look at me and just assume I need to be schooled about nutrition? Look, I have body-fat reserves; it’s called hibernation. Read a goddamn book. 

Take a look at what you don’t see in that basket: your may-as-well-come-in-a-syringe cookie butter, which wasn’t a part of my life at all until three years ago. (Thank you, Trader Joe.) My basket of hummus and vegetables is fucking health food compared to the sweet, sweet liquid crack that your store invented.

And just who the hell are you to say eggs are unhealthy, anyway? Smarty pants people, like the ones here, here, and oh yeah, here figured out fifteen years ago that eggs aren’t all that bad. Where did you do your research? Oh that’s right, the back of a package with a picture of an egg on it.

Maybe you should read up on eggs and nutrition before you go spouting off. Check out this article. And oh hey, this one. By the way, this one. And this one. Don't mind me. I can wait.

I've got nothing but time.

See what I mean? Turns out eggs don’t cause the plaque building up in your arteries; it’s more like saturated and trans fats. You know, like in that cheeseburger you had for dinner last night. What did I have for dinner? Grasses and berries and a heart-healthy salmon because I AM A MOTHER-FUCKING BEAR.

Like a boss.

Know what else is listed on that label you read so closely? All the nutrients shoved into the egg, like protein, vitamins, riboflavin, and folate, which can help lower the risk for heart disease. Did you see all of that in your careful examination of my food? No? Color me shocked.

But, by all means, sell me some judgment to go with those eggs.