Next up on the docket is Case #2, in which the defendant was found to be vomiting on the floor of a public transit vehicle on the northwest side of Chicago.
PROSECUTION: Your Judgeyness, few places see the kind of population density confined to a small space quite like an El train. By getting sick on said vehicle, the defendant was exposing each and every traveler to her germs. Also, need I remind you the chain reaction that can occur when some people witness another getting sick.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, my client was sick and this event was beyond her control. It’s not as though there are wastebaskets or bags placed on the train for this purpose. What was she supposed to do?
JUDGEY BEAR: Stay off the train! GRAWR!
PROSECUTION: Your Honor Judgey, if I may, I’d like to question the defendant.
JUDGEY BEAR: By all means.
PROSECUTION: Ma’am, were you aware that were you not feeling well before you boarded the rush-hour train toward the Kimball stop?
SICK LADY: Well, now, I guess I thought it would be okay…
PROSECUTION: Please answer the question, “yes” or “no.”
SICK LADY: Well, yes.
PROSECUTION: And, at what point did you become aware that you were feeling increasingly nauseated?
SICK LADY: I guess I was on the train.
PROSECUTION: Did you think it likely that you would get sick?
SICK LADY: Well… Yeah. But I guess I was kinda stuck on that train.
PROSECUTION: How many stops did you pass while you felt “stuck”?
DEFENSE: Objection, Your Honor!
JUDGEY BEAR: Overruled. Please answer the question, Sick Lady.
SICK LADY: Well, about four or five, I suppose. It’s hard to say for sure, though.
DEFENSE: What is the point of this line of questioning?
PROSECUTION: Merely to suggest that the defendant had ample warning of her impending sicky crisis. Certainly enough to disembark the train and find a nice, suitable trashcan for getting sick in.
JUDGEY BEAR: I’ve heard enough. Judgey Bear finds the defendant guilty. GRAWR! Sick Lady, the next time you’re not feeling well, STAY HOME. Do not attempt to go somewhere. Do not board a train at rush hour. Do not board a public transit vehicle of any kind. Doing otherwise puts hundreds, possibly thousands in the unfortunate position of dealing with your biohazard materials.
I sentence you to a year of revoked CTA privileges, at the conclusion of which two years of probation will commence. If a subsequent offense is recorded, you will go to Judgey Prison. Don’t do it again!
