Next up on the docket is Case #2, in which the defendant was found to be vomiting on the floor of a public transit vehicle on the northwest side of Chicago.
PROSECUTION: Your Judgeyness, few places see the kind of population density confined to a small space quite like an El train. By getting sick on said vehicle, the defendant was exposing each and every traveler to her germs. Also, need I remind you the chain reaction that can occur when some people witness another getting sick.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, my client was sick and this event was beyond her control. It’s not as though there are wastebaskets or bags placed on the train for this purpose. What was she supposed to do?
JUDGEY BEAR: Stay off the train! GRAWR!
PROSECUTION: Your Honor Judgey, if I may, I’d like to question the defendant.
JUDGEY BEAR: By all means.
PROSECUTION: Ma’am, were you aware that were you not feeling well before you boarded the rush-hour train toward the Kimball stop?
SICK LADY: Well, now, I guess I thought it would be okay…
PROSECUTION: Please answer the question, “yes” or “no.”
SICK LADY: Well, yes.
PROSECUTION: And, at what point did you become aware that you were feeling increasingly nauseated?
SICK LADY: I guess I was on the train.
PROSECUTION: Did you think it likely that you would get sick?
SICK LADY: Well… Yeah. But I guess I was kinda stuck on that train.
PROSECUTION: How many stops did you pass while you felt “stuck”?
DEFENSE: Objection, Your Honor!
JUDGEY BEAR: Overruled. Please answer the question, Sick Lady.
SICK LADY: Well, about four or five, I suppose. It’s hard to say for sure, though.
DEFENSE: What is the point of this line of questioning?
PROSECUTION: Merely to suggest that the defendant had ample warning of her impending sicky crisis. Certainly enough to disembark the train and find a nice, suitable trashcan for getting sick in.
JUDGEY BEAR: I’ve heard enough. Judgey Bear finds the defendant guilty. GRAWR! Sick Lady, the next time you’re not feeling well, STAY HOME. Do not attempt to go somewhere. Do not board a train at rush hour. Do not board a public transit vehicle of any kind. Doing otherwise puts hundreds, possibly thousands in the unfortunate position of dealing with your biohazard materials.
I sentence you to a year of revoked CTA privileges, at the conclusion of which two years of probation will commence. If a subsequent offense is recorded, you will go to Judgey Prison. Don’t do it again!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Case #1: Bird Honking
Judgey Court is now in session, the honorable Judgey Bear presiding.
Our first case involves a man in a truck who honked his horn at a grouping of pigeons on the road. The defendant was driving along Kimball Ave. on Tuesday morning, at approximately 8:45 am. He proceeded, northbound, through the intersection at Wilson Ave, and approached a grouping of pigeons in the middle of the road. Upon his approach, the defendant honked at said pigeons and proceeded down the road.
PROSECUTION: Your Honor, a car or truck's horn is meant to portend danger or caution. It should be employed in emergency situations only, when a driver could fend off a collision by warning another driver. Drivers should exercise discipline and restraint when it comes to the horn. Horns should not serve as punitive commentary or wildlife scattering tactics. The city of Chicago is a crowded, bustling place, especially during the morning and evening commute. If everyone were permitted to honk at birds, then what would be next? Squirrels, surely. Stray cats? Of course. Billowing plastic bags that wander across your path? Soon we'd have a city full of Honkers, exponentially increasing the noise pollution on the streets. Moreover, overuse of horns desensitizes the citizens of our city to its noise. If horn usage runs unchecked, then when someone uses a horn as a legitimate warning, chances increase that the intended audience will disregard its sound.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, the defendant WAS trying to avoid an imminent collision--with the pigeons. By honking, he was able to alert the birds to his approaching vehicle and give them sufficient time to evacuate. Why should birds be overlooked when it comes to road safety? The defendant was merely showing the same consideration toward a fellow living animal as the horn's design intends: warn someone else of impending danger.
JUDGEY BEAR: Pigeons aren't exactly an endangered species around here, are they Pickup Guy?
PG: No, sir.
JUDGEY BEAR: Did you slow down as you approached these pigeons?
PG: No, sir.
JUDGEY BEAR: If you truly wish to ensure pigeons have adequate time to fly away from your approaching vehicle, you could slow down and NOT honk. Even that is not necessary. You don't see a lot of pigeon carcasses around these days. They seem to have evolved the ability to fly out of the way of your car. Do you understand?
PG: Yes, Your Honor.
JUDGEY BEAR: I find the defendant guilty. (Bad driver! GRAWR!!) I sentence you to two years of revoked horn privileges. See the bailiff about removing the horn from your car.
Next Case: Getting Sick in Public
Our first case involves a man in a truck who honked his horn at a grouping of pigeons on the road. The defendant was driving along Kimball Ave. on Tuesday morning, at approximately 8:45 am. He proceeded, northbound, through the intersection at Wilson Ave, and approached a grouping of pigeons in the middle of the road. Upon his approach, the defendant honked at said pigeons and proceeded down the road.
PROSECUTION: Your Honor, a car or truck's horn is meant to portend danger or caution. It should be employed in emergency situations only, when a driver could fend off a collision by warning another driver. Drivers should exercise discipline and restraint when it comes to the horn. Horns should not serve as punitive commentary or wildlife scattering tactics. The city of Chicago is a crowded, bustling place, especially during the morning and evening commute. If everyone were permitted to honk at birds, then what would be next? Squirrels, surely. Stray cats? Of course. Billowing plastic bags that wander across your path? Soon we'd have a city full of Honkers, exponentially increasing the noise pollution on the streets. Moreover, overuse of horns desensitizes the citizens of our city to its noise. If horn usage runs unchecked, then when someone uses a horn as a legitimate warning, chances increase that the intended audience will disregard its sound.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, the defendant WAS trying to avoid an imminent collision--with the pigeons. By honking, he was able to alert the birds to his approaching vehicle and give them sufficient time to evacuate. Why should birds be overlooked when it comes to road safety? The defendant was merely showing the same consideration toward a fellow living animal as the horn's design intends: warn someone else of impending danger.
JUDGEY BEAR: Pigeons aren't exactly an endangered species around here, are they Pickup Guy?
PG: No, sir.
JUDGEY BEAR: Did you slow down as you approached these pigeons?
PG: No, sir.
JUDGEY BEAR: If you truly wish to ensure pigeons have adequate time to fly away from your approaching vehicle, you could slow down and NOT honk. Even that is not necessary. You don't see a lot of pigeon carcasses around these days. They seem to have evolved the ability to fly out of the way of your car. Do you understand?
PG: Yes, Your Honor.
JUDGEY BEAR: I find the defendant guilty. (Bad driver! GRAWR!!) I sentence you to two years of revoked horn privileges. See the bailiff about removing the horn from your car.
Next Case: Getting Sick in Public
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Judgement
Judgement, it would seem, is out.
Acceptance, along with the skinny jean, is in. Neither one is a good decision.
Wait, was that too judgmental? Pardon me while I keep a lookout for the judgement police. You know who they are: people who speak in soft tones and walk around muttering such soothing mantras as, "Live and let live," or "Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes." They're ready to swoop in with a disapproving frown, perhaps even a cluck of their tongues to signify that you have Judged. These well-meaning souls would have you believe that to judge is to impart your own egocentric world view on someone else. Everyone deserves the opportunity to go through life as they wish, without fear of our judgement at their different-ness.
Bull.
Many situations merit our judgement. They are positively begging for it. Unfortunately, all us human beings have to share one planet, one giant communal living space. And the more humans there are, the more cramped that space can seem. While a certain amount of letting others live their lives in peace must occur for us all to get along, so should some basic practices of consideration for others. You're not alone on this Earth, so stop acting like it.
Or you may just find yourself in front of Judgey Bear. And Judgey Bear will Judge YOU.
Acceptance, along with the skinny jean, is in. Neither one is a good decision.
Wait, was that too judgmental? Pardon me while I keep a lookout for the judgement police. You know who they are: people who speak in soft tones and walk around muttering such soothing mantras as, "Live and let live," or "Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes." They're ready to swoop in with a disapproving frown, perhaps even a cluck of their tongues to signify that you have Judged. These well-meaning souls would have you believe that to judge is to impart your own egocentric world view on someone else. Everyone deserves the opportunity to go through life as they wish, without fear of our judgement at their different-ness.
Bull.
Many situations merit our judgement. They are positively begging for it. Unfortunately, all us human beings have to share one planet, one giant communal living space. And the more humans there are, the more cramped that space can seem. While a certain amount of letting others live their lives in peace must occur for us all to get along, so should some basic practices of consideration for others. You're not alone on this Earth, so stop acting like it.
Or you may just find yourself in front of Judgey Bear. And Judgey Bear will Judge YOU.
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