A Judgey Bear Treatise on “Dibbs”

When it snows in the woods, not much changes. When it snows in Chicago, more than a few inches, things get…uncivilized. (This, from a bear.)

First, an examination of snowy street landforms…

Primary streets are plowed, and usually have snow parking rules that allow for complete street coverage. Secondary streets, like ours, are rarely plowed. Tertiary streets, like all others in our neighborhood, are never plowed. There can be two feet of snow, but nobody will remove the snow from the street. Cars continue to drive on it, creating predictable, but no less majestic landforms. First, wagon-wheelesque ruts run down the center of the street. Between these snow valleys; an ice plateau. Traffic packs the snow down; heat from cars melts it and compacts it into a six-inch pack of ice. Between the snow valleys and a line of parked cars? Ice mountain ranges topped with smokey silt from the street. In the creation of the wheel valleys, snow is displaced, giving rise to these majestic mountain ranges.

In which Judge Bear explains to non-Chicago residents what “Dibbs” means…

Excavating your car from the snow not only involves shoveling away regular accumulation of snow and ice from around your car; it involves forging a mountain pass to the street. After the two feet of snow here last week, it took two days to dig out a Honda; five days for the Smart. Such a feat inspires a certain sense of resentment-tinged pride and ownership. Hence the birth of “dibbs.”

It’s snowy wintertime, so you don’t need that lawn chair now, right? Who even knows what milk crates are for anymore, so the one you have is pretty useless anyway, huh? And Junior can totally eat his mashed peas from a big-person chair. His high chair can now serve a higher purpose. Plop it in that spanking new, shiny, shoveled-out spot to save it for later. Sure, door locks and a car alarm don’t deter anyone from stealing your car, its radio, or even its catalytic converter. But that milk crate is sacred. No one will think of moving it to take your spot. 

The practice of “dibbs” has been accepted and mayorally condoned in Chicago since long before Judgey Bear migrated here. No one has asked, but here it is. 

Judgey Bear ruling on “dibbs”: no.

This isn’t a simple case of “Do unto others.” You have to shovel your car out the snow, regardless. You are not doing a good deed or paying it forward or reaping what you sow by shoveling that patch of street around your car. You are performing a necessary and 100% self-serving, albeit sucky, task. It’s like laundry. You just suck it up because you need to wear clothes. You just suck it up and shovel because you want your car to go vroom vroom. Guess what. It’s the same for everyone. Few are out shoveling because snow is pretty and gee, isn’t physical exertion fun. 

So you created a free spot on the street in the process of excavating your car and leaving. Why should someone else get to capitalize on all your effort, shoveling out in the cold? Except, (caution: logic bomb) everyone has to shovel to get their car out, thereby creating other free spots on the street. If, when you get home, someone has taken the spot you cleared (not “your” spot), find one of the other spots someone else has cleared. Just as you always do on a public street. If you want a private parking space, make like your neighbors with a spot in a garage or on a parking pad, and pay for one. Otherwise, we’re all in this together, suckers.